Can You Handle The Unpleasant Consequences?
From: The Eight Questions You Need to Ask
By Bruce Derman, Ph.D. and Wendy Gregson, MS, LMFT
Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.
One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage.
To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:
If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one-dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.
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